	Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the ' Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? AND .... Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
	Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
	Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog. 1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it, or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar. 4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. 5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.	7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying, ''Hello!'' 8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table 9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after. 10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt. 11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch. 12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
AND THE # 1 DOGGIE PRAYER

P. S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven can I get unfixed?

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH...

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1 He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

AGELESS HUMOR

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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WHAT A CHOICE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and s aid, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.! She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red-lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US, PLEASE!!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Understanding Engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

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The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks "Do you want fries with that?"

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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Normal people believe if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.