English-isms
For all you Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)...

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

7. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

16. He often broke in to song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?

Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

I can't respond to any emails today, something has crashed on
my computer and the mouse is missing....

Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."....

Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals .

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive: highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!)

Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead.